Homestuck Epilogues 2: MEAT.
So I refreshed the page, and at some point in the last 4ish hours every page of the epilogues was made available.
So! I'm doing another one of these today. I'm gonna see how long a chapter takes and try to think up a good plan for reading these. I've also decided to start by taking the red pill1 and reading meat. I tried not to agonize over that choice too much so uh, lets hope I didn't choose unwisely.
Homestuck Epilogues
Meat 1.
- John eats like a starved animal, apparently.
- Roxy seems upset about John's decision to leave and fight Lord English.
- John leaves 10 notes behind for his friends. 1 for Roxy, the other 9 for his (other) closest friends.
Meat 2
- Dave and Karkat are hanging out in the troll kingdom.
- Jake and Dirk have a TV show, apparently
RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH, a schizophrenic cross-section of rap battle and robot wrestling that Rose once described as “an exploitative, almost Dada-esque clusterfuck of circumlocutory pretension and sweaty, homoerotic astriction.”
- They have social media on Earth C
- Jane is running for president of earth??!?
DAVE: i think shes basically a fascist
... DAVE: oh also shes a fucking xenophobe
KARKAT: OF COURSE SHE’S A XENOPHOBE!
- Dave wants Karkat to run against Jane for president of earth
- Karkat is apparently immensely popular with the troll kingdom.
DAVE: or maybe not... maybe there was like an escape hatch in the white house that led to [President Barack Obama's] own secret presidential session of sburb
- Apparently a lot of the leaders on Earth C were/are humans?
- What the fuck happened to the mayor
Dave and Karkat both observe a moment of silence—a delicate and trembling pause of utmost respect to perhaps the greatest and purest being who had ever come forth from Paradox Space. Dave pats Karkat’s knee comfortingly, and Karkat lets out a quivering breath of sorrow, of remembrance.
- At some point all the main characters just, time jumped into the future for some reason?
- Dave is really concerned with the economy.
- People apparently just loaded Jane up with money because she's a god and asked for it.
- Karkat decides to run for President of Earth C to make Dave happy.
- Earth C politics apparently functions mainly based on political machines
- Jade will, seemingly be a problem for their campaign by being too supportive?
Meat 3
- John again!
- We're in the pre-retcon events apparently, aboard the prospitian battleship
- Just in time for Aranea to have risen from the grave with the Life Ring
- And for John to knock her the fuck out.
- Gamzee is thrown back in the fridge
Meat 4
- Back on LOHAC, pre-retcon
- It's the bit where Grimbark Jade is trying to get John to do time travel and fight her.
The useless Johns zap away. You sincerely hope that they have a beautiful and fulfilling youth.
- This version of dave is John's first recruit, apparently.
- And Jade?
Meat 5
- Dave was right, Dirk is aligning himself with Jane.
- Dirk also somehow knows Dave was planning on getting Karkat to run.
- Dirk just tranquillized Jake?
Meat 6
- John has assembled versions of all 8 humans in his childhood garden, a week before the beginning of Homestuck.
- The description of the city(?) John lived in is beautiful. It's been so long since I've seen a sun rise. There was a time in my life where I watched one every day, but it's been years since then.
- Their tactical plan sounds a lot like what happened at Caliborn's masterpiece.
- John falters and doesn't talk to his father.
Are you becoming a monster, John Egbert?
- They all zap off to do jump a child
Meat 7
- Rose is 'Ascending'
- So is Dirk, apparently. But he's adapted to it, unlike her.
- He has devised a plan to help her adapt too, apparently.
Meat 8
- Caliborn's masterpiece is about to happen.
Meat 9
- Caliborn's masterpiece happened
STOP
That's where I'm gonna call it for today. The epilogues are def-
Sorry I was writing the ending when I noticed this banner at the bottom of the page.
Clicking on it leads to this page containing a countdown timer to 2026-02-18T00:00:00-05:002. There's also an email address for seedflap@hiveswap.com in there, as well. I found two reddit posts about it, including some email responses.
- My friend Serena keeps insisting that I cannot map my understanding of the red/blue pills from the matrix onto the epilogues.
- You can verify this yourself by peeking into the javascript running on the siteand just running the new date command it includes (
new Date("2026-02-18T00:00:00-05:00")) which will print the end time.