Homestuck Epilogues 5: COME BACK ALT!CALLIOPE I MISS YOU.

Hiiii, sorry for not posting yesterday and not having an introduction the day before. I've not been feeling super well so I took a few days off.

Homestuck Epilogues

Meat 31

TEREZI: 1...

TEREZI: SUPPOS3 1 C4N B3 PR3TTY D1FF1CULT TO B3 4ROUND

• She's so Terezi-pilled
• Wait what version of Terezi even is this?
• This isn't ghost Terezi who met up with (Vriska)

TEREZI: 3X4CTLY

TEREZI: 34RTH C 1S P3RF3CT 1SNT 1T?

TEREZI: BUT NOT FOR YOU

TEREZI: YOU DONT *F33L* 1T

• John is crying

JOHN: terezi... come home with me.

TEREZI: 1

TEREZI: 1M NOT R34DY Y3T

• Terezi doesn't want John to leave, even for a moment to get supplies
• What if he can't come back, somehow?
• Oh God Dirk Is Talking
• The tooth is spreading an infection into John
• Excellent wording of above statement, me from moments ago
• She removed the tooth
• John is going to kiss Terezi.
• THey're doing more then kissing.

Meat 32

• Jade is still vessel-moding.
• Roxy is calling Dave
• He is not getting the gravity of the situation.
• Oh no they're going to fight for control of the narrative again

(Lord save me from this fake woke nightmare.) be quiet. (No.) yes. (Let me fucking say stuff again.) no.

ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this

ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell him

DAVE: uh no

ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa daylight

ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she needs”.....

ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some fuckin reason??

...

ROXY: i feel like theres something movin just out the corner of my vision but every time i turn to look at it

...

roxy clutches a hand around their knee, nails digging into their pants. they feel uneasy about jake’s sudden lack of neutrality in this political matter. they have never been certain that it is appropriate for any of them to be involved with the structures of power and governance in a world they created, and in which they have been regarded as gods since they first appeared.

• Dirk is attempting the ol 'THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO NEGOTIATE' tactic
• I feel like Roxy's position is going to be reduced by people to some form of centrism

yes, is the resounding answer. calliope is beautiful, roxy thinks. and furthermore, they think they should be reminded of this fact every day.

• Awww, that's nice
• Also I wonder why Alt!Calliope can read(?) Roxy's thoughts?

ROXY: theres somethin else ive been meanin to ask u about for a while

...

ROXY: dave how did you come out

...

ROXY: like as not being straight

• I love Roxy
• "ids n preffies"
• Dirk thinks everyone needs his hands up their asses like a bunch of puppets

DAVE: youd think someone who spent so much of her life locked in a state of dubiously consensual slumber would wanna get as few zees as possible in her adult life but not jade

• Dave's ten stage plan for coming out

DAVE: oh shit

DAVE: maybe yes homo

...

DAVE: it starts being like a gay fractal

• Dave sounds more like he's just, having some kind of nervous breakdown
• Dirk is just, a prick

DIRK: The Prince opens his fucking mouth, and just literally starts SAYING SHIT, out loud, because he doesn’t think he can take another fucking second listening to a pompous alien virgin monologuing about gender.

• This feels like a stupid thing to note, but
• Things continue to progress, even when we aren't looking.
• There is no observer effect required (TM)
• Anyway Dirk is gonna try and wack Jake, or Karkat, or Dave?
• The way this works seems to remind me a little bit of 'scripting' in reality shifting communities
• But I feel like there has to be a better thing to liken it too.
• Either that or when in Shark Boy and Lava Girl the guy becomes the Day Dreamer?
• It always weirds me out being reminded that movie got a sequel
• It also reminds me of again just like, forum RP where people are bullshitting at eachother.

DIRK: The slicing is accompanied by the ear-shattering melodic sounds of metal being cleaved apart by an anime sword, as the Prince nimbly avoids the sharp pieces and ricocheting stair debris.

...

this foolishness is interrupted as we resume listening to a conversation which we are all considerably more invested in than catering to the inconsequential flailing of a grown man who fancies himself an earth ninja.

• Roxy is considering getting some shades

ROXY: do u still even make a habit of callin me mom??

ROXY: i thought u kinda stopped that

ROXY: even if it was effin cute

• Dave gets spidey sense?
• GET DOWN MR FUTURE PRESIDENT OF EARTH
• Alt!Calliope knew the rifle was loaded but not what with. Was this obscured to her somehow, or does knowing something require whoever is authoring to 'check.' Omniscient in that they can know all, but not actively knowing it.
• Dirk was apparently never going to whack any of them, Jade is the target
• Dirk has ousted alt!Calliope and is now back in the drivers seat
• Dirk is really mean to jade :c
• She'll be down for "weeks. Maybe months?"

That was interesting though. Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.

Meat 33

• I feel like I am starting to understand what meat is other then the redpill/bluepill joke from before, but I can't explain it. I feel like I'm going to need to see Candy to be able to actually turn it into something coherent.

TEREZI: NO 1D1OT

TEREZI: 1 G1V3 UP ON VR1SK4

• Dirk seems to be interfering with John's retcon ability
• But he's going to try anyway

Meat 34

• Back to Dave & Karkat

The last time some incompetent asshole with his blood color bumbled his way into a tragically symbolic death, the entire troll race spent half a millennium stroking themselves off to it until they were convinced hearing the word “fuck” could trigger spontaneous enlightenment.

• Oh god Jake is gonna bomb
• Dave seems to be getting his premonitions again

JAKE: Ive... made a terrible mistake.

• Dirk is beaming thoughts directly into that boy's brain like he's the damn CIA

JAKE: I love dirk!

JAKE: IM IN LOVE WITH DIRK!!!

And to love Dirk is to obey him.

What would Dirk want him to do in this situation? Definitely not sell out his good and dear friend Jane for a loudmouthed pipsqueak who noisily transcends failure even as he redefines it. Do good by her, Jake. Do good by me.

• Fucking hell

Meat 35

• John jumped back to earth C with Terezi
• They're going to try and get to Jane

You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.

...

I guess it’s tragic, though maybe not in the conventional sense. My view is, the real tragedy with you, John, is that you never mattered all that much. To those on the level of the cherubs, and now my level as well, you were never all that special, despite the critical role you played.

• On one hand, there is a lot to unpack here
• On the other, I am not sure Dirk is a reliable source of intelligence

TEREZI: 1 R3S3NT TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON TH4T 1 WOULD PR3T3ND TO B3 UN4FF3CT3D BY YOUR D34TH 4FT3R W3 H4D 4N 3MOT1ON4LLY S1GN1F1C4NT S3XU4L 3NCOUNT3R 1N TH3 B4CK OF TH3 FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 ONC3 B3LONG1NG TO YOUR D34D HUM4N LUSUS

Then John dies in the middle of a love confession.

• Terezi has John's body
• She's 'walking home'
• Wherever that is

Meat 36

• Jane won the election
• Jade is in a coma
• John is 'missing'
• Terezi met up with Kanaya at some point, who is being given the run around
• It seems like a lot of time has passed

The woman is obviously hysterical and needs to chill the fuck out. I mean, she’s hysterical because I’ve been specifically and deliberately causing her to be that way, sure. But still. She should be fine soon enough.

• Terezi mistakes Roxy for Dave
• Dirk is leaving earth C in 10 hours?
• He sounds so, fucking miserable. Constantly.

ROXY: terezi ur like the raddest chick i know

• How long has it been, exactly?
• Calliope is scared to leave the house, poor Calliope :c
• She's drawin some weird art

ROXY: have u seen john lately?

• Dirk still can't get a read on Roxy. Why could Calliope do that?

Terezi is a fixer, and it has been a very difficult lesson for her to learn that some things are simply out of her control.

• Terezi is very aware of Dirk, probably seer of mind powers.

TEREZI: BUT C4NT YOU JUST L3T M3 B3 D3PR3SS3D 1N P34C3?!

I feel depressed all the time. But I can’t remember ever having the luxury of feeling peaceful about it. Why should it be different for anyone else?

...

You know you’ll never be happy here. And neither will I. Because this place isn’t for people like us.

TEREZI: D1RK, 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT

• 'People like us' meaning, what exactly
• Aware of the fact they're in a narrative?
• I mean I assume it's him and Rose he means

Meat 37

• Rose is to leave her body for her ascension soon

DIRK: We’re going to make new memories.

DIRK: We have countless millennia ahead of us. The entire breadth of infinity.

DIRK: The past seven years on this planet are cosmically irrelevant. When we get where we’re going, you won’t even want to remember this benighted rock anymore.

• He sounds like when me and my friend discussed shifting a few months ago

ROSE: Are you sure Kanaya is going to be ok with this?

• Yknow, for everything going on, we never caught up with the version of Jade who followed Alt!Calliope's voice into the black hole
• I guess we'll pick up with her in Candy, since the event horizon is like, the crossing point?
• He's doing his thing to Kanaya!

The thing is, what you’re suddenly questioning isn’t so much about whether your suspicions that Rose and I have been sneaking around behind your back are wrong, per se. It’s that you’re starting to wonder if they’re right, but you’ve been the one who was wrong to object.

• Oh, poor Kanaya
• This is, unsettlingly distressing

KANAYA: Its Fine Really Sweet Heart

KANAYA: I Love You

ROSE: I love you too.

KANAYA: Goodbye Rose

• I mean I've heard all the jokes about Jade cucking Kanaya, and I'm sure we'll get there in Candy
• But this feels like the same thing but so much darker and upsetting
• He had an antidote for Jade
• Dirk doesn't even bring Rose's things that he packed for her

Stopping Point

And with that, we are up to Meat, Epilogue Seven. We have 7 more chapters of meat, and then 41 chapters of Candy before we're done. After that, who knows? The epilogues are good, far better then people make them sound.