Homestuck Re-read Part 71: VRISKAGRAM.
I have a project I have been working on for the last 2 days now that is not going anywhere near as fast as I would have liked. I remember that it used to be relatively easy to slice large 3d models into parts for printing but it turns out I am not at all correct. I feel a bit like I'm banging my head against the wall trying to slice this for printing. Whatever. It is 15:00 currently which means it is Homestuck time.
Episode 70 too! We continue to inch closer and closer to the end. It's going to be weird not, having something to write about every day. I know I have a few things I said I wanted to also do:
- Making a fan troll
- Friendsim, Pesterquest, Hiveswap
- The Epilogues and HS2, maybe?
- House of Leaves
But I think I might take a little bit of a break between the end and starting those? Or maybe I'll just do them whenever I don't have something else to do. Who knows, really.
HOMESTUCK.
Today's upd8 starts with Vriskagram showing us a quick kinda catch up of how the three year journey on the meteor went this time around. Dave and Karkat get together, Gamzee and Terezi don't, Vriska replaces Gamzee creating the weird sprites in the alpha kids session. It's a solid recap.
We then find a large group of our protagonists sat on the Ultimate Reward Plateau thing. Terezi, Vriska, ARQuiusrite, AI!Jane, Kanaya, Rose, The Mayor, Karkat, Dave, Grimbark!Jade, Tavrosprite and Jake. We're awaiting John and Roxy's arrival. We also get it explained why Vriska created Tavrosprite and ARquiusprite.
VRISKA: I 8rought Tavros 8ack, 8ecause let's face it, that was kind of my fault, for unnecessarily impaling him with his own lance and all.
VRISKA: It was my responsi8ility to make amends for that! So I did.
and
VRISKA: Then, I made Arquiusprite happen 8ecause, first of all, he's a national fucking treasure.
VRISKA: Literally everything he says is perfect and hilarious, and if I hear a single word to the contrary from the peanut gallery, the motherfucker with a 8eef rockets to the top of my shit list. So please, I enthusiastically invite one of you no-taste mouth 8reathers to talk smack a8out the A-man. Make my day!
...
VRISKA: SECOND, the guy is a fucking tactical genius.
VRISKA: Totally conniving and calcul8ting, and unafraid to use methods that are just a 8IT morally du8ious to achieve his o8jectives.
VRISKA: And since I can't stick around for too long, your party is going to need someone like that.
VRISKA: 8esides, it seems like a really fitting f8 for Equius. He genuinely seems to 8e more comforta8le with this st8 of existence, and seems a lot happier than I ever remem8er him 8eing when he was alive.
They've put ARquiusprite to work removing the Condense's influence over Jane while they discuss the moral implications of the other two kernelsprites in conjuncture with Nepeta and Feferi's corpses. Vriska also keeps implying she is going to leave at some point for unspecified reasons, which I do not remember.
EXA-NARRATIVE-NAUTS
We see the arrival of John and Roxy, the last holdovers from the pre-retcon narrative. They have a pair of rather awkward introductions. Or well, awkward until Roxy notices Rose.
JOHN: rose!
ROSE: Hi, John.
JOHN: hi!!!
JOHN: nice to see you, alive and well again.
...
ROSE: Thank you for returning with my m-
ROSE: My, um.
ROSE: M,
ROSE: My Roxy.
ROXY: :D :D :D :D :D
He also gets to finally meet Jake. But it doesn't entirely go how Jake seemingly wanted it too. He's a bit too shy and nervous to really meet his hero essentially infront of other people.
It's just fuckin reunion city for John up on this plateau. Fist bumps and all sorts of shit. Although there isn't one with Jade just yet
DAVE: she should be pretty psyched to see you though
JOHN: you think?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: um
DAVE: i dunno if you know this or not but
DAVE: apparently along the way our version of john died
DAVE: so she made the whole trip without you
...
JOHN: man.
JOHN: i had no idea.
JOHN: i guess that's what typheus meant?
JOHN: that's so sad...
JOHN: poor jade!
JOHN: i can't believe she had to spend all that time on the ship thinking i was dead...
We also learn that there's still a few hours until the 'Final Showdown' essentially.
OCT-FURCATION
An 8 way choose your character. That is a lot. But it will bring us to the end of today's upd8. Lets go in order.
JOHN, DAVE, KARKAT.
John is surprised how much Karkat has mellowed out seemingly. Except for his weird romance bend where he immediately starts apologizing for blackrom hitting on John years ago while John sits there having no idea what he's talking about.
DAVE: john
DAVE: dude i gotta say
DAVE: when you talk about being or not being "a homosexual" you kinda sound like a corny old man
...
KARKAT: SOMEBODY FUCKING KILL ME.
This is definitely one of the comings out of all time. It's so, accurate to someone like Dave and also what it would probably be like to find out you're gay by dating an alien without a concept of homosexuality.
At some point they start talking about John having blackrom feelings for Terezi.
JOHN: i just wanted to have a nice catch-up chat, not get so transparently owned at the trollmances.
There is discourse about John having feelings for Roxy.
DAVE: do you feel weird about dating my mom is that it
And Dave liking the idea of having a mother instead of just a puppet addled speed demon brother.
ROSE, KANAYA, ROXY
Seeing Rose and Roxy get to actually meet and not be, in peril or asleep or fake or anything is so adorable and absolutely worth the payoff of it being teased for so long.
ROSE: Do...
ROSE: You really like wizards?
ROXY: rose
ROSE: Yes?
ROXY: rose
ROXY: rooose
ROSE: ...
ROXY: i fucken
ROXY: LOVE
ROXY: wizzards
There is also a rather nice introduction for Kanaya too
ROSE: By the way, this is Kanaya.
ROSE: Sorry for the combination of bad manners and general dumbfoundedness which precluded a more timely introduction.
KANAYA: Hello
ROXY: hey!
ROXY: thats a nice name and also ur pretty
KANAYA: Thank You
KANAYA: I Admire The Aesthetics Of Your Name And Appearance As Well And In No Small Part Due To Their Respective Similarity To Your Daughters
ROXY: wow man that was somehow both a convoluted thing to say yet smooth as hell
ROXY: m impressed
ROSE: Welcome to Maryam City, population, a whole lot of great remarks like that.
They bond over their shared struggle with alcohol that, was both caused in part by trying to be closer to the other in spirit and part caused by untold devastation.
TAVROSPRITE, VRISKA, JAKE
Aw man, this one is kinda sad. I feel bad for Jake, he's havin such a weird time of it. Yeah he might be a bit self important and fucked everyone around quite a bit (at least pre-retcon) but I can't help but feel bad for the guy. Tavrosprite does try to help him build up his self esteem but, I'm not too sure his advice of
TAVROSPRITE: i GET IT, sELF ESTEEM IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST EMOTION TO MASTER,
TAVROSPRITE: iT HELPS TO HAVE HELP,
JAKE: And i appreciate it mr tavrosprite really i do.
TAVROSPRITE: nO, i MEAN NOT FROM ME,
TAVROSPRITE: dO YOU HAVE A FANTASY PHANTOM REPRESENTING YOUR SELF ESTEEM WHO YOU CAN LOOK UP TO?
JAKE: A phantom??
TAVROSPRITE: bECAUSE i DID ONCE, aND IT HELPED ME,
TAVROSPRITE: tHEN HE BECAME REAL, aND REALLY HELPED ME, bUT NOT BECAUSE OF BELIEVING OR ANYTHING,
TAVROSPRITE: jUST BECAUSE OF COINCIDENCE, hE HAPPENED TO BE MY ANCESTOR,
Is all too helpful. He does try some non-ancestor/phantom based encouragement of just complementing him and reminding him he can continue to work on himself to improve. Although Vriska starts to interject
VRISKA: You're filling his head with lies, aren't you?
VRISKA: Hey kid, what's he telling you?
VRISKA: What's your name again? Jape?
JAKE: Ja...
JAKE: I
JAKE: J...
JAKE: Yes. Sure.
TAVROSPRITE: nO, iT'S NOT jAPE, wRONG,
VRISKA: Who even cares? Your overly simplistic human names all sound so alike to me.
VRISKA: Anyway, listen Jape.
VRISKA: Whatever load of shit he's selling you in a misguided effort to cheer you up, don't listen to him.
VRISKA: It's all a 8unch of sappy delusional gar8age.
VRISKA: I'm not going to let you down easy, and some day you'll realize this is the 8iggest favor anyone's ever done for you.
VRISKA: You are never going to do anything important, and you'll never amount to anything. Period!
VRISKA: Neither is Tavros.
I liked the Vriska who's hanging out with Meenah in the furthest ring a lot more.
TEREZI AND VRISKA
The scourge sisters are back together! moirails4lyf3. It is definitely a bit of tonal whiplash going from Vriska bullying Jake and Tavrosprite[^1] to being, nice and friendly talking with Terezi.
VRISKA: Hey, as long as we're swearing each other to secrecy on stuff, make A8SOLUTELY sure they never know I said this, 8ut...
VRISKA: He and Karkat...
VRISKA: Are KIND of adora8le??
...
TEREZI: 4GR33D
We get another mention of Vriska having to leave soon
TEREZI: GONN4 M1SS YOU
TEREZI: SUR3 YOU H4V3 TO G3T GO1NG SO SOON?
We don't learn what for just yet, but we do find out Terezi isn't looking forward to leading in her stead once she's gone. She's struggling to live up to pre-retcon Terezi.
TEREZI: WH3N W1LL 1 S33 YOU 4G41N?
VRISKA: Some day.
VRISKA: I'll do my 8est to shorten the w8 for you as much as I can. Using time travel or whatever other nonsense I may have at my disposal.
VRISKA: When all is said and done, I'll drop 8y Earth and look you up.
Vriska then goes on to repeat the conversation she had with Tavrosprite.
ROXY, ROSE, DAVE
We're continuing on from ROSE, KANAYA, ROXY with Dave interjecting himself into the bonding. Kanaya leaves to allow the Human Familial Unit to process things together.
DAVE: so rose
DAVE: its our mom
DAVE: hey mom
ROXY: hi!!!
DAVE: well not mom
DAVE: your actual name instead of that i guess
DAVE: roxy i think
ROXY: u think right
ROXY: moms ok too tho
DAVE: i dunno that might be weird
DAVE: calling you that all the time
DAVE: rose would that be weird
ROSE: It would probably get a little weird.
DAVE: so mom
Oh Dave.
DAVE: depends on if you want to keep sitting in this goddamn pan
ROXY: hmm i dunno
ROXY: maybe our asses are gettin too hot
DAVE: maybe you should speak for yourself
ROSE: DAVE!
DAVE: SHIT
ROXY: lol
DAVE: no mom look
DAVE: my best best best best best friend is a chess guy
DAVE: hes the mayor
DAVE: ill have to introduce you to him soon
DAVE: youll love the mayor everybody loves the mayor
ROXY: wanna meet the mayor!
This is the most awkward conversation and I am imagining Rose just sitting there while Dave monopolizes her mother/daughter. I love it.
ROSE: I'm perfectly happy serving as a spectator and occasional officiator of this conversation.
ROSE: It's quite entertaining to behold, really. I love watching how different personalities collide with each other upon meeting.
ROSE: Neither of you is failing to disappoint.
I've also made a troubling discovery.
ROXY: here comes da lightning
ROXY: u got to imagine it comin out my fingertips
"Lightning Bolts Shoot From My Fingertips!" | JMM | Better Call Saul
JAMES MORGAN "JIMMY" MCGILL: I'M LIKE A GOD IN HUMAN CLOTHING.
JAMES MORGAN "JIMMY" MCGILL: LIGHTNING BOLTS SHOOT FROM MY FINGERTIPS.
The implications are horrifying.
ROXY: thanks!
ROXY: k then... next
ROXY: have u
ROXY: ever kissed anybody??
DAVE: what
DAVE: man
DAVE: these questions are taking on a different tenor than the ones i asked you
ROXY: well??
DAVE: um yeah ok i WAS kissed
DAVE: by jade when i was dead
I just love this
ROXY: do you like orange soda
DAVE: no
ROXY: NO??
DAVE: hell no
ROXY: then whats your poison
DAVE: aj
ROXY: huh?
DAVE: apple juice
ROXY: thats fuckin cute
DAVE: pretty much
ROXY: have u ever been in love
DAVE: god damn it!
stupid lightning round. It's so fucking funny.
They talk about Jake a little bit, and come up with a plan to try and break him out of his shell.
DAVE: ill try gettin to know him some time
DAVE: maybe trap him like a shy woodland creature
DAVE: then brutally harangue him with my typically rad shit and become airtight bros
DAVE: right there in the fucking woods
DAVE: exactly how nature intended
ROXY: omg yes
ROXY: i will help u rig your jakesnares
ROXY: maybe leave some hunky dudebait, like a trail of microshorts sprinkled thru out the forest
DAVE: awesome thanks mom
DAVE: roxy i mean
...
ROXY: anyways you are a silly dude and its ok if u keep callin me mom on "accident" :)
They talk a little bit about their Personal Quests and how Rose doesn't really intend to finish hers and we are suddenly hit with
ROSE: I probably won't.
ROSESPRITE: Won't what?
VRISKA: Oh now what the FUCK is this????????
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
Everyone present is very, perturbed. Jaspersprite dug up Rose's pre-retcon corpse and prototyped it.
DAVE: theres two roses now like
DAVE: what the fuck
DAVE: what are we supposed to do with this information and unfolding set of circumstances
ROSESPRITE: I don't know, Dave.
ROSESPRITE: I have advanced seer powers, and the newly acquired insight of a mystical guide.
ROSESPRITE: And even I'm stumped about this turn of events.
Rose is having, a normal reaction to finding out her pre-retcon self is alive and present.
KANAYA, VRISKA, KARKAT
We get more of Vriska talking about her leaving soon
KANAYA: If They Do I Am Sure One Of Your Contingency Plans Will Swing Into Full Effect
KANAYA: Maybe You Can Buy Time For Everyone To Recover By Lulling Our Adversaries Into An Extensive Strategy Session
VRISKA: Hey Maryam, why don't you can it!
VRISKA: Our sassy little games of one upsmanship are fun and all, 8ut I'm trying to 8e sincere here.
VRISKA: You know, seeing as this is the last time I'll see you all in a while.
They talk about Kanaya's duty to hatch a mothergrub.
ARQUIUSPRITE, VRISKA, TEREZI, DAVE
Almost at the end of this upd8, 4 more pages to go.
Arquiusprite is almost done disarming Jane from the Condense's clutches, and talks some of his characterisitically insane bullshit to Dave.
DAVE: im kinda glad you sound this insane and for the most part barely understandable
DAVE: it makes it extra obvious you arent my legit bro
DAVE: which means i can actually talk to you while only being like vaguely confused and unsettled instead of curling up into a ball and having some sort of social conniption
DAVE: speaking of which
DAVE: uh
DAVE: when is he supposed to get here btw
We also learn Vriska's plan for Gamzee (who is still locked in the fridge)
VRISKA: Gamzee is supposedly relevant to some stuff that's going to happen in the new universe.
VRISKA: He's still got some "plot armor" or some shit.
VRISKA: So when Earth is resitu8ted, I'm just going to drop the fridge in the fucking ocean or something, and let him find his own way out.
Dave continues to be normal about mothers.
DAVE: how much longer til his hot moms awake
DAVE: mom
DAVE: i mean his
DAVE: not mine
DAVE: his mom not my hot mom
DAVE: my mom i mean
DAVE: fucking hell
DAVE: not my mom his
DAVE: johns hot mom
TEREZI: 1 W1LL CONS1D3R YOUR R3QU3ST FOR S3CR3CY
TEREZI: M4YB3
TEREZI: FR4NKLY, 1 4M NOT SUR3 SH3 1S 4NYTH1NG TO WR1T3 HOM3 4BOUT
DAVE: what oh what the fuck
DAVE: are you on the idiot drugs today
DAVE: how could you possibly be serious about that
DAVE: how is this unconscious teen grandmother not a completely smokin babe
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS SH3 1S NOT MY CONT41N3R OF SC4LD1NG L34F FLU1D
DAVE: no i dont even believe you
DAVE: youre obviously just trying to rile me up by going against the grain of fragrantly obvious babefacts
ROSE: Is Dave saying inappropriate things about John's mother over there?
DAVE: no!
DAVE: im not saying anything
DAVE: just standard casual observations from a regular bystanding person
TEREZI: H3 K33PS C4LL1NG H3R HOT
DAVE: wow
DAVE: wow
DAVE: peddle LIES much?
DAVE: i guess reprehensible dishonesty is all the rage with the troll kids today
ROXY: wait wats goin on
ROXY: are we all talkin about how hot jane is???
JOHN, JAKE
Page number 9413!
Jake finally gets to meet John after thousands of pages. It takes them a little bit to get going but they pretty much hit it off! Jade was right, they did make great friends.
JOHN: you know jake, at first you seemed pretty shy...
JOHN: but you don't really seem that way at all now?
JOHN: you just strike me as a nice regular dude who likes movies and stuff.
JOHN: i'm glad we are getting a chance to talk!
JAKE: Yeah me too!
JAKE: Ive been feeling way out of sorts since i got sprung from the big house and dragged along to this here frog stage to suddenly bump gums with WAY too many people...
JAKE: But you are really good company john and you know how to make a guy feel at ease.
It ends with Karkat talking about building a scale replica of cantown on earth
KARKAT: (WHISPER WHISPER mayor)
KARKAT: (WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER can town?)
KARKAT: (WHISPER WHISPER but where? WHISPER WHISPER earth WHISPER)
KARKAT: (WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER to scale?? don't see how WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER)
KARKAT: (if you're really going WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER build WHISPER WHISPER)
and Rosesprite appearing.
Thank you for reading this upd8 with me. We continue to draw closer to the end of Homestuck, and I am continuing to love every page as much as I did the first time. Thank you all for joining me.
[^1]: poor bastard literally got killed and resurrected by her and she still can't cut it the fuck out. I know a lot of people find Tavros to be so boring they don't care about him at all but I do think it's a bit fucked that the only character people feel this way about is a disabled character who is perpetually being abused by others.